Over the course of his life, Uncle Jesse has encountered some pretty fearsome foes. Below is a chronological account of his 10 most recent battles, including the dates, venues and results of each match up (I'll save you some time and tell you that Uncle Jesse won every single match).
Date: November 20, 1995
Venue: Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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"Crazy Spatula Lady" |
RESULTS:
It was a hard fought battle, as the "Crazy Spatula Lady" came out swingin'. Her spatula was no match for Uncle Jesse's signature comb, "Mr. Goodpart," and he was able to trounce her in a time of 14:34. Excellent effort by the "Crazy Spatula Lady," she's a powder keg.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: March 16, 1997
Venue: Madison Square Garden
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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Booker T. Washington |
RESULTS:
Booker T. Washington came out of the corner with a vicious set of rights and lefts. He had Uncle Jesse reeling, and in a moment of showboating he went for his signature "Spin-a-rooni." That was just the break that Uncle Jesse needed. Uncle Jesse freed himself from the ropes using some hair grease and wrapped the "Booker Man" up in his leather jacket. Then, he picked up Washington and threw him across the street into the grocery store, right next to the "Hungry Man XXL" frozen dinners.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: January 31, 1998
Venue: Westlake High School in Westlake, OH
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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"Amish Cherub" |
RESULTS:
A well coiffed Uncle Jesse stepped into the ring with the notorious "Amish Cherub." This match was a special stipulation "Amish Country Street Fight," in which buggies filled with rocking chairs and butter churns would be scattered around ringside. The "Amish Cherub" obviously had the advantage going into the match, but Uncle Jesse proved that butter churns and buggies were no match for his collection of Elvis memorabilia. The combatants took the match well past the 20-minute mark, and in a stunning hometown upset, Uncle Jesse used his Elvis shaped lighter to set a butter churn on fire and proceed to roast the "Amish Cherub" into the afterlife.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: February 11, 1999
Venue: Fleet Center in Boston, Mass
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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The Tooth Fairy |
RESULTS:
No doubt Uncle Jesse's toughest challenge to date. The tooth fairy started the match strong, trash talking Uncle Jesse and his motorcycle. Big mistake. Uncle Jesse took The Tooth Fairy's magic tooth wand and smashed it over her head. Then, in the ultimate twist of irony, he stabbed her in the face with one of her own teeth. Then, he took all the money from her that she was going to give to the children who had teeth under their pillows and bought himself some hair gel.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: April 26, 1999
Venue: Nationwide Arena in Columbus, OH
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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Joey Lawrence |
RESULTS:
WHOA! Uncle Jesse absolutely destroyed Joey Lawrence, cause Joey Lawrence is a homo. WHOA!
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: June 30, 1999
Venue: The Skydome in Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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Maculay Culkin
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RESULTS:
This match came right down to the wire. Uncle Jesse had Culkin begging for mercy in the turnbuckles. Culkin's arsenal of Micro Machines, Christmas ornaments and paint cans had absolutely no effect on Uncle Jesse. Uncle Jesse had the victory well in hand, until he was met by some outside interference from both Olsen twins and that little bastard from "Full House" with the Lego hair who always gave Uncle Jesse shit. Uncle Jesse didn't panic. He harnessed all his power and picked up all four of the little kids and threw them up into the air and they exploded!
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
(This is a picture of those three little punks before Uncle Jesse made them explode)
Date: December 7, 1999
Venue: Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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Jeff Probst
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RESULTS:
Jeff Probst had to forfeit the match because of the rule that said that douches are not allowed to fight Uncle Jesse.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: January 10, 2000
Venue: Frat House (they're all the same, anyways)
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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Frat Boys
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RESULTS:
Uncle Jesse just laughed at the frat boys. They tried to psyche him out with their rugby shirts, torn baseball hats, puppies, Dave Matthews albums, and roofies but he just laughed at them some more because frat boys are lame. Way lame.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: March 21, 2000
Venue: Space
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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Buzz Lightyear
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RESULTS:
Buzz Lightyear went into this match the fan favorite. That's because people in space are dumb. They never had the benefit of T.G.I.F. growing up, and so they aren't hip to the powers of Uncle Jesse. Buzz Lightyear tried to dazzle Uncle Jesse by flying around his head and stuff, but since Buzz Lightyear is only like 6 inches tall, Uncle Jesse just snatched him out of the air and then smashed him on the ground. The people of space were so upset that they tried to revolt and kill Uncle Jesse, but he killed them instead. Yeah, Uncle Jesse killed the entire population of space.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
Date: November 15, 2000
Venue: Gund Arena in Cleveland, OH
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"Uncle Jesse" |
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Tia and Tamera
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RESULTS:
Uncle Jesse had been well trained in the art of dealing with stupid twin sisters through his interactions with Mary-Kate and Ashley, so Tia and Tamera didn't even make him break a sweat. Uncle Jesse powerbombed them each 24 times, and then yelled at them for trying to jump on the Olsen Twins' bandwagon. It doesn't work if you're already 16 years old, and ugly. Plus, that fat lady on their show...she was really lame.
WINNER: Uncle Jesse
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