We here at WWUJD were determined to find out exactly what makes Uncle Jesse so incredibly sweeter than you. So we took a team of highly trained DNA experts, genealogists, and gynecologists on a 4 month long trek into the past, in search of Uncle Jesse's family tree. Here's what we found...

This is a picture of what scientists call Jesse Erectus. It was the first creature to ever comb its hair while walking upright. Building combs out of rocks and twigs, the Jesse Erectus was the predecessor for modern day hair grooming.

Uncle Jesse's ancestors can be traced all the way back to the Pilgrims. After much research, we found that all of the ships that carried the pilgrims over from Australia (The Nina, the Pinta and the William G. Mather) were cluttered with hairspray and blow dryers. These are the only pictures on record of the pilgrims, and the deck of one of the ships. Some say they bear an uncanny resemblance to Uncle Jesse, and experts have deduced that the pilgrims did, in fact, have Harleys with them on their trip to America.

After the pilgrims invaded America, they started the very first ever nightclub in the old west. Headed by Uncle Jesse's great, great, great, great, sweet Grandfather, Grandpa Jesse, this club was a place for cowpokes to kickback and enjoy some rockin' tunes (like ELVIS). Uncle Jesse's ancestors were also part of a notorious gang known as "THE WESTERN RIPPERS." Headed by Uncle Jesse's great, great, great, really sweet uncle (who was known as "The Hairspray Kid"), "THE WESTERN RIPPERS" terrorized local hair salons and barber shops, robbing from the hairy and giving to the bald.

Uncle Jesse's hatred for the French is not unfounded. As a matter of fact, Uncle Jesse is part French. His great, great, great, great Step-Uncle was, in fact, King of France. He went by the title "King Uncle Jesse XIV," and ruled the merry land of France from 1459-1506. It's not surprising that Uncle Jesse has tried to renounce his French heritage...I mean, look at the hair on this clown!! Rumor has it that King Uncle Jesse XIV was a fan of the guillotine, using it to decapitate all the bald French people he could find. Then, King Uncle Jesse XIV would take the heads and throw them up into the air...where they exploded. We here at WWUJD were skeptical of such radical claims and didn't buy it at first, but then we found this...

(That, basically, speaks the truth...exploding French heads are sweet!)

After the 15th and 16th century, Uncle Jesse's family immigrated to China, where they all trained in the art of Shaolin Kung-Fu (which would later be taught to pet monkeys). Uncle Jesse's ancestors helped the Shaolin monks combine their unparalleled senses of discipline and respect with sweet hair and the ability to rock out, as shown below.

Uncle Jesse's family left a legacy of epic proportions in China, and upon arriving back in America Uncle Jesse's ancestors moved directly to Tennessee, where they established the country of Graceland. To this day, Graceland is the number one exporter of sideburns and peanut butter & banana sandwiches.

After settling in America, Uncle Jesse himself was born to parents Walter Matthau (R.I.P.) and Tiffany. A little known fact about Tiffany is that the song "I think we're alone now" was actually written about the night Uncle Jesse was conceived. Upon realizing his parents were uber-lame, Uncle Jesse high-tailed it away from them (which explains why Walter Matthau is always "grumpy").

Baby Uncle Jesse embarked on his quest to become sweeter than the entire world.

During his travels as a baby, Uncle Jesse partied with many famous celebrities such as...

Guns N' Roses (Uncle Jesse actually knocked off Slash's top hat a few times on purpose)

Andrew W. K. (Uncle Jesse punched Mr. W. K. in the mouth for not partying hard enough)

La Bouche (Uncle Jesse wrote "Be My Lover," but when La Bouche took credit for it, he single-handedly pulled the plug on their "one-hit-wonder" success and made sure that their song would forever be used in senior citizen's aerobics classes)

Here are some more baby pictures of Uncle Jesse

Uncle Jesse then grew up and began experimenting with cigarettes and alcohol. This is how cigarettes and alcohol became sweet. Lots of teenagers followed Uncle Jesse's footsteps, but they all got lung and liver cancer...because they were lame. Uncle Jesse did not have this problem, because he is sweet.

As a teenager, Uncle Jesse beat up the Hanson brothers every day. He stole their lunch money, and used it to finance his research in inventing peanut butter and Tae-Bo.

The world was shocked at the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy on November 23, 1963 and many people have argued that Uncle Jesse played a key role in the plot to murder President Kennedy. However, during our trek into the past, we here at WWUJD have uncovered some irrefutable evidence that proves that in no way could Uncle Jesse have been linked to the assassination.

Based on thermo-graphics and macroeconomics, this is a picture of everyone who could have possibly assassinated President Kennedy, notice Uncle Jesse is nowhere in sight.

We were also able to uncover a list of people who Uncle Jesse is related to. We aren't sure how, but we know they are...

Captain Planet

Willy Wonka

Olympic Champion skier, Picabo Street

And there you have it! A family lineage that rocks multiple generations of sweetness. Your family tree probably isn't sweet. Actually, we are sure that it isn't sweet. We did some research, and found out that you are related to Joey Gladstone AND Danny Tanner...not sweet. Chances are, one of your ancestors fought in a war against Uncle Jesse and he beat them (most likely all by himself). So, sit there and revel in the fact that you are lame...thanks to your lame ancestors.

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