Due to Uncle Jesse's surge in popularity, there are many people out there who have conjured up myths and stories regarding his legend. We here at WWUJD.com are dedicated to making sure the truth, and only the truth, prevails in spite of all these rumors. That's why we've developed the "UJ Myths" section. Here, you will find some of the things people have been known to say about Uncle Jesse, along with our in-depth analyses (as formulated by the world's leading rainforests and paint/tile store cashiers) regarding their truths.

 

MYTH: Uncle Jesse did not invent steak.

TRUTH: Uncle Jesse did actually invent steak! In 1973, he hit a cow with his Harley. The cow spontaneously combusted, and Uncle Jesse poured A-1 Steak Sauce on it. Thus, steak was born. 

Here is a picture of Uncle Jesse on the day he invented Steak. It happened in Cleveland, Florida.

 

 

MYTH: Uncle Jesse can't breathe under water.

TRUTH: Uncle Jesse's hair acts like gills when he tells it to. He can breathe under water, as well as breathe while totally rocking out. Sometimes, he does both at the same time!

This is a photo of Uncle Jesse taken under water. After this photo was taken, that scuba diver exploded, and Uncle Jesse made out with a mermaid!

 

 

MYTH: Uncle Jesse has never been a professional wrestler.

TRUTH: Uncle Jesse has wrestled under a number of guises. They included...

"The Honky Tonk Jess"

Jesse "The Hitman" Hart

The Giant Jesszalez

Uncle Jesse held several championships. He also never crapped himself in the ring, and always had exact change.

 

MYTH: Uncle Jesse and David Hasselhoff do not have matching codpieces. 

TRUTH: Uncle Jesse and David Hasselhoff DO have matching codpieces.

Uncle Jesse's codpiece is way bigger. Just sayin'. 

 

 

MYTH: No denomination of currency features the likeness of Uncle Jesse

TRUTH: There are many currency notes and coins that bear the likeness of Uncle Jesse. 

Uncle Jesse was featured prominently on the 1993 U.S. Quarter. This quarter sold more than any in history.

Uncle Jesse appeared on the French 50 Dollar Bill. He did this as a joke, and it crippled France's economy because, every time a French person would hold a 50 Dollar Bill, they would instantly poop themselves and eat waffles.

Joey Gladstone can be seen on Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards. Uncle Jesse put him there.

 

 

MYTH: Uncle Jesse was dumped by Rebecca Romijn, and went on to star in the ABC television show Jake In Progress.

TRUTH: This rumor is common among people who crap their pants. The guy who was dumped by Rebecca Romijn, before going on to star in ABC's answer to Whores in the City, was not Uncle Jesse. It was, in fact, a woman by the name of John Stamos. Given the fact that these two people look remarkably similar, it is definitely an easy assumption to make. However, we all know that "when you assume, you are an asshole," right? Here is a list of irrefutable evidence proving that John Stamos and Uncle Jesse are not the same person. What else does it prove? Well, just the fact that Uncle Jesse owns 67 complete Lego playsets...that's all!

 

EXHIBIT A

Here is a promotional poster from the show "Jake In Progress." What the hell does that mean anyways? Is he getting a "sometimes" in being sweet? Or a "seldom" in not being a douchebag? This show didn't last very long. Quite possibly because it was a blatant ripoff of...

 "Jesse In Parumph, NV." This show, which starred Uncle Jesse (and his Harley named Egon), followed their adventures as they hung around and ate beef jerky together before building color printers for the homeless. It won so many Emmys that Denzel  Washington actually crapped through his nose! This is why it was taken off the air, and why Halle Berry sucks. 

 

EXHIBIT 2

Rumors persist that Rebecca Romijn dumped Uncle Jesse because he was too sweet. This rumor is actually part-true. The part about Uncle Jesse being totally sweet is %100 true. What really happened was: Uncle Jesse came home and demanded bagel pizzas. When it took Rebecca Romijn too long to make them, Uncle Jesse sold her parents to NASA. She got pretty upset, which pissed Uncle Jesse off even more. He then tied up all of her underpants and made a tire swing out of them. A deer crapped on it. Rebecca Romijn started crying, so Uncle Jesse built a hang glider and conquered the zoo. Then, he dumped Rebecca Romijn via FedEx. He also fired The British Bulldog (R.I.P.) This is what Rebecca Romijn looks like now...after being dumped by Uncle Jesse. 

 

EXHIBIT D

While many people think that John Stamos starred on the hit television show "Full House," it's a well known fact that his name was merely a CGI superimposition, perpetrated by all of the men he slept butt-to-face with.  The real opening title looked like this. What you may not know is that "John Stamos" is not even said actor's real name. We uncovered this single frame image in the archives, which displays his true identity...

"Asshat McGarnigle"

And there you have it, Jess-Heads--the truth about Uncle Jesse. Do you have a myth you'd like to see debunked on WWUJD.com? E-mail us at myths@wwujd.com (be sure to include the words "MYTHS" and "WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT TWO MEN CAN'T SHARE HAND LOTION?" in the subject line), and we'll dedicate ourselves to proving the heresy wrong. We'll also dedicate ourselves to carving pumpkins for Uncle Jesse 365 days a year.