Monkey Trouble, 1994

This movie is about a monkey that steals things. Pretty much one of the greatest films ever made. The lack of dinosaurs was disappointing, but the inclusion of a frigging monkey that steals things was not. The highlight of this movie was the part where the monkey steals things. I also liked the mischief. There was another part of the movie where I ate some beef jerky then won the Olympics. That part was sweet too. All in all, I say this is a fine family film. By that, I mean you should take your family to see it, and then wish you had a frigging monkey that steals things. Maybe then your family wouldn't hate you so much and steal all your Pringles.

Uncle Jesse gives this film:

Four Aqua Nets

John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

Hmm. Looks like somebody's been eating the fruit from the Gay Store. This CD contains NO rocking out. NO sweet Elvis covers. And NO jerky. This CD is good if you have to take a big soupy dump, and need something to help you make your poop come out faster. You can also give this to homeless people. But, they'll probably give it back. Maybe, if you take this, and  throw it into a frat party, some guy will start crying on his LiveStrong bracelet before he learns how to play all the songs on his acoustic guitar. Danny Tanner has 36 copies of this CD.

Uncle Jesse gives this piece of shit:

One-Quarter Aqua Net

Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch, Sega CD

I had this game before it even came out. In fact, I did all the stunts for this game too. That part where Marky Mark begs everyone to take him seriously as an actor? That was me. I also took his backwards baseball cap. Then I made a bird bath out of it. This game features a cool cover. But, only if you're Danny Tanner or Joey Gladstone. They always used to take my copy into the bathroom. When they came out, I'd kick them in their respective larynxes. If you really hate someone, buy them this game. If you're Marky Mark, every Sega CD in the world is laughing at you. And your nipples.

Uncle Jesse gives this game:

Two and a Half Aqua Nets

Choose Your Own Adventure:

The Tale of the Black Guy With People Running on His Head

This book was totally sweet. You can choose between being me, and being Sgt. Slaughter. I won't spoil the ending, but the book ends when I become prime minister of Madagascar. I recommend this book to anyone with a uvula. The part with the magical city of WhizBang is definitely a flatulent triumph for the author, a robot made of coasters. This book reminded me of the Bible, except without all that preachy stuff. Page 37 is totally sweet.

Uncle Jesse gives this masterpiece:

Five Aqua Nets