Step 1: Gather all necessary materials as explained below
1 Gas powered Chainsaw, with a full tank
1 unused Ignition switch and motor from early 90’s model moped. It may be useful to construct a time machine to find this.
1 Super Soaker model CPS 2100
20 Gallons Vitalis hair gel.
X 20
GALLONS
1 can Aqua Net Hairspray
1 Octopus Adjustable Showerhead
(This can be purchased here)
30 cans PBR
X 30
Step 2. Drink 6 of the twelve cans of PBR. It is very important that this be done within fifteen minutes.
Step 3. Wait 10 minutes after consuming PBR. Proceed to step 3.
Step 4. Add 3 oz of Vitalis to gas tank of chainsaw. The super non-greasy formula used in Vitalis gives most gas powered devices a significant power increase, although it is not greasy enough to be any good for sweet hair.
Step 5. Do not put on safety glasses of any type. In fact, if you are wearing glasses of any sort, except dark sunglasses, remove them. Remove contacts as well. Using the now super-powered chainsaw, cut off the pump action handle of the Super Soaker, replace with the engine from the early 90's model moped. Note: you must use a moped model between 1990 and 1994, no later. In 1995 moped makers realized their parts were being used to create weapons of mass destruction and discontinued using the necessary ignition switches and motors.
Step 6. Mount the ignition switch and properly wire to engine. Unless you are familiar with hotwiring, this is the only way you will be able to start up your laser.
Step 7. Now that the engine is mounted, we will need to create the laser combustion chamber.
Step 8. Before proceeding to step 8, shotgun 6 cans of PBR. Save at least one of the empty cans.
Step 9. Start up the chainsaw again. Proceed to cut out area of Super Soaker designated below. While you are at it, cut off that silly handle on the top of the Super Soaker - any time you are holding this gun you should have your finger on the trigger and pointed at Kimmy Gibbler or someone else who deserves a laser beam sandwich. Super Soakers do not have a safety, so we do not need to cut that off. Note: If you experience difficulty cutting through the thick exoskeleton of the Super Soaker, add more Vitalis to gas tank until it is super-charged enough to slice it like butter.
Step 10. Replace empty section with can of Aqua Net and can of PBR. These must be jointed together according to standard laser combustion chamber protocol.
Step 11. Unscrew cap of water tank, and fill with Vitalis. Remaining Vitalis should NOT be used for hair, it is not greasy enough. Save it for when you need to refill the tank, or when you need to supercharge your motorcycle or riding lawnmower.
Step 12. Drink remaining cans of PBR as quickly as possible and proceed to step 12.
Step 13. Use chainsaw to cut off the spray nozzle of the gun. Proceed to attach adjustable Octopus showerhead in its place. This will allow you to choose several shooting styles, depending on your target.
Step 14. You are now ready to test out your laser. If you were to pussy to take down the remaining cans of PBR in step 11, be a man (even if you are a woman) and chug them all now. If you did finish the PBR in step 11, buy a forty of Old English and drink it now.
Step 15. Test the laser on each of the Octopus showerhead settings shown below, also take note of the best uses of each setting. Note: Although it is a good idea to look at yourself in a mirror while shooting your new laser gun to check out how sweet you are and make sure your hair is sweet too, do not shoot the laser at the mirror. It could bounce back and shoot you in the hair which would not be sweet.
SETTINGS:
"Champagne" setting - known by Contra fans (like Uncle Jesse) as the "Spreader," this setting will allow you to blast a huge area of foes with a single blast. Good for fending off entire armies or hosing down third world counties.
"Massage" setting - This setting's smooth pulsating spray is perfect for a laser shot right to the face. Use in close quarters for best results.
"Mist" setting - also good for close quarters, this laser mist will engulf the entire body of the target. Best when used on slower opponents, like Joey Gladstone.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have made a laser! Chances are, the first time you try to use your laser, you'll get your ass kicked. This wouldn't happen to Uncle Jesse, because he's sweet. You, on the other hand, are definitely not. In fact, you should package up your laser and ship it to Uncle Jesse (via USPS) so that he can use it instead of you. If you use it, you'll just be a disgrace to lasers across the world. And, for all of you who think you can outsmart Uncle Jesse, and use the laser on him...think twice. If Uncle Jesse even saw you with a laser, he would ride across your lawn on his motorcycle, and grab the laser out of your hands. Then, he would shoot off all of your toes, and disintegrate your entire face.
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