(Note: This section is completely in black and white, because if it were done in color, it would make your head explode. We tested that theory on several cheerleaders--the theory is sound)

Step 1: Find yourself a monkey. Below is a picture of Uncle Jesse's monkey.

Don't even count on finding a monkey this sweet, your monkey will probably be half-retarded, and drink Smirnoff, because you aren't Uncle Jesse.

Step 2: Get your monkey (assuming he hasn't completely marked your entire house as his territory by peeing on your furniture) a punching bag. Tape a picture of either Danny Tanner, or Joey Gladstone to the punching bag. By doing this, the monkey will become conditioned to attack only dorky wieners (like Danny Tanner and Joey Gladstone).

Step 3: Once your monkey has worked out on the punching bag, he is ready for his first challenge...the notorious karate toddlers! Hailing from the nurseries of hell, these kids are nothing short of fierce (look at the fire in their eyes). They can both shoot fireballs, and they aim for the testicles.

Step 4: Let's be honest now, your monkey will have gotten his ass kicked by the killer kiddies...but Uncle Jesse's monkey will have made mashed carrots out of them. So, we'll have to pretend that your monkey isn't a wuss and move on to the next step. Once your monkey is an established Kung-Fu master, you must promote him. Get him on the cover of Kung-Fu magazines, and have him go to some foreign country (like Indiana-"The Crossroads of America") and beat on the natives as pictured below. The headlines in the paper will read something like "Super Sweet Monkey Terrorizes Town with Ninja Skills," and your monkey will be an instant celebrity. The best part is, monkeys can't be put in jail (as stated in Article XI of the U.S. Constitution) so you can train the monkey to do whatever you want it to, including roughing up those brownie-hounds, Danny Tanner and Joey Gladstone and cheerleaders too.

Step 5: Now that your monkey has terrorized a few people, and thus become sweeter, its time to outfit him in some proper Kung-Fu gear. Go to Japan and purchase ninja outfits, a karate gi, grappling hooks and bananas.

CONGRATULATIONS! Actually, no...forget that. You're still lame, and you don't have a Kung-Fu monkey. Uncle Jesse, however, does. Watch your back!

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