Emanating from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI, "KATSOPOLOUS IN THE METROPOLIS" was an even more exciting show than the previous month's spectacular, "JESSEMANIA 2003." The competition was fierce, as Uncle Jesse took on a series of competitors in a total of five heart pounding matches. "KATSOPOLOUS IN THE METROPOLIS" was full of surprise appearances and run-ins from some of the most unlikely people, but in the end Uncle Jesse proved exactly why he is sweeter than everyone in Belgium. A total of 21,234screaming "Jess-heads" filled the Joe Louis Arena and cheered on their idol...Uncle Jesse. The results of "KATSOPOLOUS IN THE METROPOLIS" are posted below (Uncle Jesse won every match, because he doesn't drive a Toyota Corolla. Instead, he drives two Harley's at once).

RESULTS:

"Show me that smile again..." echoed throughout the arena, as ALAN THICKE (Star of "Growing Pains") strutted down to the ring. He got on the mic and taunted the crowd with insults and references to rubber nipples. His verbal assault continued until, in mid-sentence, the sound of a HARLEY was heard echoing across the building and Uncle Jesse rode down the aisle triumphantly. He entered the ring and went toe-to-toe with Alan Thicke. Then, Thicke made the worst mistake of his "I-was-a-psychiatrist-on-a-sitcom" life...he slapped Uncle Jesse in the left forearm! Without hesitating, Uncle Jesse picked up Alan Thicke by his right earlobe and swung him around in a circle until it fell off. Minus an earlobe, Alan Thicke was in danger. He saw that he couldn't possibly defeat Uncle Jesse on his own, and so in a cowardly move he called for reinforcements (by using a standard issue, hunter's "duck call"). Without warning, the lights went out, and when they came back on the entire cast of "GROWING PAINS" was standing in the ring (minus Leonardo DiCaprio--he was busy making another spectacular movie...wait, did I say spectacular? Cause I meant shitty). Uncle Jesse was at a clear disadvantage, he was outnumbered five and a half to one (that little girl on "GROWING PAINS" only counts for a half, because she looked like the ass end of a sloth). Uncle Jesse readied himself and, just as his opponents were about to charge, he executed his world-renown "JESSE-STAR SPLASH." This move, outlawed in Madagascar, consisted of Uncle Jesse grabbing everyone in the ring by their femurs and throwing them high into the air. Then, Uncle Jesse climbed to the top rope and executed 14 spinning axe-kicks to each one of his assailants. They were all left bloody and unconscious in the middle of the ring. Uncle Jesse was declared the victor, but he wasn't finished with these lame opponents for being  "GROWING PAINS" in his ass. He went under the ring and got several boxes of tampons and some super glue, and glued the boxes to each and every one of their heads (except for the little "ass-end" girl, Uncle Jesse just vaporized her). Now they have to walk down the street, advertising feminine hygiene with their heads. Uncle Jesse also wrote "MAN ASS" on Kirk Cameron's shirt (cause Kirk Cameron is a big wuss), and left the ring to the cheers of his fans.

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

Below is a photo of the "GROWING PAINS" cast...post-Uncle Jesse.

RESULTS:

This match was fought under "Handicap Rules." Not because it was a four-on-one encounter, but because four out of the five combatants were handicapped (and by "handicapped," I mean "old"). Uncle Jesse was trapped in the middle of the four old dames, and without any warning...they struck. First, it was Blanche (the whore one). She tried to unzip Uncle Jesse's pants so that she could do him, but he hit her in the back of the head with a double-axe handle. She was down, as Sophia (the REALLY old one who stood like 3'11") jumped off the top rope with a 450 hurricanrana. Uncle Jesse was dazed, not from the hurricanrana, but from the fact that a 154-year-old woman's legs had just been wrapped around his neck. Friggin' Gross! Realizing that his pride had been compromised by the little, old bitch, Uncle Jesse grabbed her by the pace-maker and gave her a "SUPREME COURT JESSTICE." This move, outlawed in MacGyver's basement, involved Uncle Jesse taking a dump on her wheelchair, and then making her sit in it. It worked. Seeking vengeance for her poop-stained mother, Dorothy (the man one) grabbed Uncle Jesse by the back of the neck and pulled him back into the ring. She Irish-whipped him off the ropes, but he ducked her clothesline (highlighted by her flapping tricep fat) and came off the opposite ropes with a spinning heel kick. This knocked her to one knee, but it couldn't take her off her feet. Uncle Jesse had to pull out all the stops. He went under the ring and grabbed an entire case of Polydent, and before she could say "I'm a big old lady with a dong," Uncle Jesse shoved it in her ear and pushed her brain out the other side. The only "Golden Girl" left was Rose. It was just her and Uncle Jesse, face-to-face, toe-to-toe. She shit her pants and exploded. Uncle Jesse stood in the middle of this geriatric blood bath as the winner, having destroyed each one of the evil (and by "evil," I mean "old") "Golden Girls."

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

RESULTS:

Uncle Jesse was on a complete adrenaline high going into this match. After having trounced the casts of two noteworthy sitcoms, Uncle Jesse figured that dealing with the miniature menace of Speedy Gonzales would be a walk in the barber shop. He was pretty much right. Speedy Gonzales started by running around the ring going "ANDELE, ANDELE, AREEBA!!" and stuff like that. Uncle Jesse got pissed off when Speedy stepped on his leather cowboy boot, and he reached down and picked Speedy up by the tail. Then, he dropped Speedy and toe-punted him across the arena, all the way backstage. Uncle Jesse thought he had won, until Speedy re-emerged from behind the curtain. He was not alone. Oh no, Speedy came with a reinforcement in the form of his cousin Slowpoke Rodriguez!

(Slowpoke Rodriguez)

Speedy thought that his cousin would prove to be an equalizer in the battle against Uncle Jesse, but Speedy is a dumb Mexican mouse and he was wrong. What happened was, the "speed" of Speedy Gonzales, and the "slow" of Slowpoke Rodriguez cancelled each other out so that they were just basically "Average Walking Gonzales" and "Neither Slow nor Fast Rodriguez." Uncle Jesse had no problems grabbing both of the rodents by their stupid little sombreros and smashing their heads together. Then, he tied them up by the ankles, and put a loaf of French Bread in between them, so that they looked like a big "Average Walking, Neither Slow nor Fast" schlong with mouse testicles. He also denounced their citizenship from Mexico...err, "Judge Dredd comes here to party" (as renamed in Uncle Jesse's Diary)...and sentenced them to go live forever in the house of Art Frye (who invented Post-Its).

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

(Here is a picture of the "Average Walking, Neither Slow nor Fast" schlong with mouse testicles.

(SPECIAL STIPULATION: ROYAL RUMBLE RULES)

RESULTS:

Warrior Wildness was in full swing as the former WWF World Heavyweight Champion sprinted towards the ring. He fulfilled every Warrior fan's expectations when he shook each and every rope 13,345 times before injecting himself 49 times with steroids. In fact, The Ultimate Warrior never actually stopped running around the ring and pointing to the heavens (in customary "Warrior" fashion). Uncle Jesse just sat there and watched The Ultimate Warrior run around like a retarded five-year old on amphetamines. Finally, Uncle Jesse got sick of watching The Ultimate Warrior prancing around the ring, so Uncle Jesse stuck his foot out and The Ultimate Warrior tripped and broke his neck. Then, Uncle Jesse took The Ultimate Warrior's face paint, and put it on his ass. Uncle Jesse kicked The Ultimate Warrior a couple of times in the armpits for good measure, and then he went to the back and got a hoagie (a man sandwich).

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

RESULTS:

The final match of the evening was the dreaded "List of the Lil's" match. In this match, Uncle Jesse would have to run a gauntlet-style match and take on not one, not two, not three, but FOUR "Lil's." First out of the back was the whore-torious Lil' Kim. She climbed in the ring and began to taunt Uncle Jesse, asking him to lick her and such. But, since Uncle Jesse can have pretty much any chick in the entire universe that he wants and Lil' Kim is crustier than week old milk, her words didn't phase him. Uncle Jesse ripped off Lil' Kim's hair extensions and then tied her up by the ankles with them. Then, Uncle Jesse hung her over the top rope in a "tree of woe." Uncle Jesse climbed to the top rope of the opposite corner with a solid steel chair, and was set to deliver the "JESS-TERMINATOR," when all of a sudden Lil' Kim stopped squirming. Uncle Jesse (wary of a possible "possum" trick) cautiously made his way down from the ropes and over to the corner to discover that Lil' Kim had, in fact, choked on her own nipples after being hung upside-down!! The bell rung, and Uncle Jesse was declared the winner of the first bout.

Score: Uncle Jesse-1, Lil's-0

This brought on the next competitor...the pint-sized bastard son of No-Limit records, Lil' Romeo! Lil' Romeo rode his tricycle (complete with 14 X-Boxes) out to the ring, and was helped up the stairs. Once in the ring, Lil' Romeo pooped his pants (his GUCCI pants) and fell over because Uncle Jesse was so friggin' sweet. Lil' Romeo tried to use his magic "bling bling Bugs Bunny necklace" against Uncle Jesse, but Uncle Jesse just ripped it out of his hands and took a poop on it. Then he made Lil' Romeo eat it. Lil' Rome instantly got Amoebic Dysentery and died when he crapped out his colon into his Huggies "Pull-Ups." With this victory, Uncle Jesse was halfway through the "List of the Lil's."

Score: Uncle Jesse-2, Lil's- -1

(the judges took a point away because Lil' Romeo crapped his pants)

Uncle Jesse was tired, but he still had two more "Lil's" left to contend with. The next "Lil'" to step into the ring was none other than Lil' Fizz from hip-hop boyband B2K. For those of you who don't know much about B2K, congratulations...you aren't as lame as you could be. But, for those of you who do know who Lil' Fizz and B2K are, you should go rip off your arm and hit yourself in the intercostal cartilage with it. Lil' Fizz jumped in the ring, and Uncle Jesse just laughed at him, told him he wasn't "Lethal like Danny Glover," and ripped all the braids out of his hair. Then, Uncle Jesse took the braids and stuck them in Lil' Fizz's nose, so that every time he sneezed it would look like a dirty woman's armpit. It did. Lil' Fizz just left the ring crying like a Lil' B2Bitch, and Uncle Jesse chalked one more up.

Score: Uncle Jesse-3, Lil's- -4

(the judges took away three points because Lil' Fizz is a stupid name)

Uncle Jesse was riding a wave of energy going into the final bout of the evening. He would need it, because this bout was going to be a complete slobberknocker. Uncle Jesse would face the most fierce "Lil'" in the game...Lil' Bow Wow!! Lil' Bow Wow made his way toward the ring in typical Bow Wow fashion...gold plated dog collar and all. He climbed through the ropes and stood nose-to-crotch with Uncle Jesse. Uncle Jesse laughed at Lil' Bow Wow and took his dog collar. Then, he held it above his head so that Lil' Bow Wow couldn't reach it. Lil' Bow Wow kept jumping and jumping like a half-tard until Uncle Jesse finally tossed the dog collar across the ring and said "FETCH!!" Lil" Bow Wow ran across the ring after his toy, and upon turning back around was met with a vicious boot to the sternum. Lil' Bow Wow was knocked backwards and when he stood up, Uncle Jesse "pantsed" him. Lil' Bow Wow's face turned bright red as the entire arena realized that HE HAD NO PUBES!! With Lil' Bow Wow reeling in the wake of his misfortune, Uncle Jesse had the chance to sneak up behind the pube-lacker and kick him in the medulla oblongata, sending him through the ropes to the outside. Uncle Jesse climbed to the top rope and executed a 1080 dragoncanrana to the pants-less Lil' Bow Wow, sending him crashing to the cement floor of the Joe Louis Arena. Uncle Jesse threw Lil' Bow Wow back into the ring. Uncle Jesse went under the ring one more time and grabbed a tub of "ROGAINE" hair growth supplement. With a Sharpie marker, he wrote "Good luck with the pubes" and smacked Lil' Bow Wow over the head with it for good measure. Lil' Bow Wow was done for, and Uncle Jesse was able to get the 1-2-3 and win the first ever "List of the Lil's" match.

Score: Uncle Jesse-4, Lil's- -15

(the judges took away 11 points because they hurt their sides laughing too hard when Uncle Jesse "pantsed" Lil' Bow Wow)

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

A great show with surprises around every corner, and non-stop action galore. Stay tuned next month when Uncle Jesse invades the Superdome in New Orleans, LAI for his next action packed evening...

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