Emanating from the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY, JESSEMANIA 2003 proved to be a night of blood, sweat, and aquanet. A total of 23,967 screaming "Jess-heads" packed the arena to its rafters as they cheered on the modern day Greek God himself...Uncle Jesse. Uncle Jesse competed in a total of five separate matches in this "gauntlet-style" competition. The results of JESSEMANIA 2003 are posted below (but, if you don't want to read them, I'll save you some time...Uncle Jesse won every match, and his hair was friggin' sweet the whole time. Your hair was not).

RESULTS:

This match proved to be nothing more than a warm up for Uncle Jesse. Sanders started the match off by trash talking Uncle Jesse with a vengeance. Then, Uncle Jesse trash-talked back and reminded Deion Sanders what a huge piece of crap he is, and that Pepsi sucks. This was a very athletic contest, with the advantage swinging both ways throughout. Deion tried using his "I'm-a-football-player-who-thinks-he-can-rap-suplex," but Uncle Jesse was able to counter with his "I-made-a-sweet-music-video-with-me-rolling- around-half-naked-on-a-bed-with-candles-all-over-it-and-MTV- played-it-more-than-your-shitty-football-rap-backbreaker." A sickening thud was heard as Deion was left unconscious in a time of 7:56. At the end of the match, Deion got up and tried to work the crowd with his "Prime-Time" shuffle, but Uncle Jesse just snuck up from behind him and gave him eleven "wet-willies." Deion cried, because he is lame.

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

RESULTS:

Willis, the action blockbuster star, started the match with a boot to Uncle Jesse's head. Big mistake. Willis' boot touched Uncle Jesse's hair and instantaneously his foot exploded. Willis was in trouble, more trouble than he had landed himself in by starring in "Disney's The Kid," and so he called for reinforcements. From opposite sides of the arena, fellow "Planet Hollywood" entrepreneurs Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger stormed the ring. It was now three-on-one (well, actually two and 3/4-on-one because Bruce Willis was missing his left foot). Things were looking bleak for Uncle Jesse, as all three hulking brutes were closing in on him. They charged all at once, when all of a sudden Uncle Jesse's pet kung-fu monkey jumped into the ring. The monkey ripped the ears off of Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger and then he made a necklace out of them. Earless, the three begged for mercy, but the kung-fu monkey wasn't hearing it. He tied all three of the action stars together by the ankles, and then hung them upside down with his grappling hook. Then, the monkey took off his pants and threw poop at Willis, Stallone and Schwarzenegger. After a time of 20:44, and assistance from his kung-fu monkey (named Elvis), Uncle Jesse scored the 1-2-3.

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

We were able to obtain some exclusive photos of Stallone and Schwarzenegger after Uncle Jesse's kung-fu monkey got through with them. We also got a snapshot of the monkey wearing his ear necklace.

RESULTS:

Uncle Jesse went into this match having fought in two matches already, but signs of wear on his body or his hair were nowhere to be seen. When the Texas Tech Women's Golf Team entered the ring, Uncle Jesse made out with all of them. He didn't fight them, they just fed him grapes and stared at his hair. He only made out with the hot ones, not with the ugly troll-lookin' ones. He told the troll-chicks to "get the hell out of the ring" because they were upsetting his hair. This match went on for about 25 minutes, until Uncle Jesse broke the news to all the chicks that they weren't sweet at all...and that Uncle Jesse didn't like making out with them. It turns out he was just bored. Besides, Uncle Jesse is an OREGON STATE fan anyways. Oh yeah, and Uncle Jesse hates golf too. The girls left the ring, sad and dejected, but Uncle Jesse didn't care because he was still sweet.

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

(SPECIAL STIPULATION: ROYAL RUMBLE RULES)

RESULTS:

This was a match of absolute epic proportions. Uncle Jesse stepped into the ring, in his fourth bout of the night, to take on the entire cast of "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" (Including ROBOCROOK and TOP GRUNGE) in an over-the-top-rope Royal Rumble! The rules for this contest stated that the only way to win was to eliminate all of your opponents by throwing them over the top rope and having both of their feet hit the floor. Uncle Jesse was obviously outnumbered, but he kept his cool...relying on the fact that he was totally sweet. The match began when PATTY LARCENY blindsided Uncle Jesse with the help of DOUBLE TROUBLE. With Uncle Jesse down, THE CONTESSA was able to maneuver him close to the ropes and nearly threw him over. VIC THE SLICK came over to try and help THE CONTESSA, but Uncle Jesse pulled an astonishing "comb-over-reversal" and was able to eliminate both of them at the same time! With a burst of adrenaline, Uncle Jesse cleaned house, knocking everyone down and hitting them with combs. Uncle Jesse picked up PATTY LARCENY and eliminated her. Uncle Jesse wasn't out of the woods yet though, he still had plenty of the A.C.M.E. forces to contend with. Uncle Jesse turned his attention to DOUBLE TROUBLE and ROBOCROOK. Uncle Jesse was able to maneuver behind ROBOCROOK and smear his switchboard with hair gel, causing ROBOCROOK to short circuit and toss out DOUBLE TROUBLE, ERTHA BRUTE and eventually eliminated himself! Uncle Jesse was left in the ring with The CHEIF, GREG (the homo-host), TOP GRUNGE and all five members of the notorious ROCKAPELLA! With Uncle Jesse left standing in the ring, and opponents in every corner, things were looking bleak for the former "Rush Hour Renegade." TOP GRUNGE walked through the second rope to the outside, and went to mount his motorcycle with plans to run Uncle Jesse over. However, TOP GRUNGE caught a glimpse of Uncle Jesse's hog and realized that he was worthless. He kicked himself in the nuts, climbed back into the ring, eliminated himself, and ran himself over with his own motorcycle. Things were falling apart in the A.C.M.E. camp, and tensions were running high. GREG (the homo-host), in an effort to usurp her from power and take over the role of top-dog at A.C.M.E. CrimeNet, snuck up behind The CHIEF and threw her over the top rope! It was an unexpected turn if ever there was one. Furious, The CHIEF climbed back in to the ring and kicked GREG (the homo-host) in the clavicle. Then she left, went outside, and pooped on his car. It was down to Uncle Jesse in one corner, and ROCKAPELLA in the other. Looking across the ring at all of the horrible hairstyles sported by ROCKAPELLA, Uncle Jesse reached deep down inside his good-looking heart and gathered his second wind. ROCKAPELLA circled Uncle Jesse like a pack of rabid acapella singers, and were prepared to strike. Seeing his chance, Uncle Jesse used his superior wit to confuse ROCKAPELLA. As they were about to attack, Uncle Jesse screamed, "DO IT ROCKAPELLA!" Dumbfounded, ROCKAPELLA began singing the theme song from "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" They couldn't stop singing, as Uncle Jesse reveled in his moment of intellectual triumph. Uncle Jesse interrupted the song right when that creepy bass guy (whose name is Barry "Hot" Carl) was about to hit his solo and told ROCKAPELLA that if they eliminated themselves, he would give them all pocket-sized, world-band radios and a trip to any of the lower 48 states. ROCKAPELLA obliged, and hucked themselves over the top rope. By the way, Uncle Jesse totally lied about the radio and the trip. Uncle Jesse stood in the middle of the ring as the victor of this hard-fought match up, when all of a sudden the lights went out. The lights turned back on, and in the ring standing before a bewildered Uncle Jesse was none other than CARMEN SANDIEGO!! She grabbed the mic from the ring announcer, and began to cut a promo. Uncle Jesse cut her off, and grabbed the mic and stuffed it in her left nostril. He got a new mic and proceeded to tell CARMEN SANDIEGO that he knew exactly where she was the whole time--she was playing marbles with Lil' Romeo and the kid from Smart Guy. And then, as CARMEN SANDIEGO was about to leave the ring, Uncle Jesse grabbed her and told the entire arena that he knew something else about CARMEN SANDIEGO--her secret identity. Uncle Jesse knocked off her hat, and ripped off a Latex mask to reveal the face of...

KIMMY GIBBLER!!

It turns out that Uncle Jesse's arch-nemesis, KIMMY GIBBLER, was using her disguise as CARMEN SANDIEGO to get peeks of Uncle Jesse in the shower and spying on him while he combed his hair. Uncle Jesse proceeded to "hog-tie" KIMMY GIBBLER, so that she would be forced to smell her own feet! After less than 12 seconds of foot smell, GIBBLER asphyxiated, pooped, and lost consciousness. Uncle Jesse stood in the ring and received a standing ovation from all of his fans. He had won the rumble...but there was still one match left.

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

RESULTS:

In his final bout of the night, Uncle Jesse had to face his toughest opponent to date. More fierce than Booker T. Washington and more ferocious than Tia and Tamara, Uncle Jesse had to do battle with the world's sexiest porno stunt-man, the incomparable August Balls! Balls, a newcomer to the scene, had thrown down the challenge to Uncle Jesse only hours before JESSEMANIA 2003 began, and Uncle Jesse accepted. This was a highly scientific match, as both men were highly scientific. Balls had the advantage early, using moves like the "Testicle Takedown" and the "Ball Buster" to send Uncle Jesse reeling into the ropes. Balls, more concerned with breakdancing, made his rookie mistake when he turned his back on Uncle Jesse to sing an exceprt of Will Smith's "Wild, Wild West" to the crowd. Uncle Jesse grabbed his steel plated "Mr. Goodpart 2K3" and belted Balls right in the left scapula. Balls dropped, and Uncle Jesse was set to cover him for the 1-2-3. In what can only be called a miracle, Balls was able to kick out at the 2-count! Uncle Jesse knew that he had no choice but to break out the secret weapon. Uncle Jesse reached into his motorcycle's sidecar and pulled out his old "pest removal" uniform from his early days as an exterminator. He grabbed a can of RAID and hopped back into the ring, where he sprayed Balls right in the balls. Balls was down for the count, and after a valiant effort by this porno stunt-man rookie, Uncle Jesse was able to secure the win in the final bout at JESSEMANIA 2003. Then, Uncle Jesse put August Balls on aerobics probation for 30 days.

To learn more about August Balls, visit the "August Balls Website!"

WINNER: Uncle Jesse

A great show with unparalleled action in every match. Stay tuned next month when Uncle Jesse invades the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI for his next action packed evening...

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