There wasn't an empty seat in Madison Square Garden, as Uncle Jesse readied himself to take on five of his toughest challengers to date. Each one of them seems to have found it fitting (through the hard work of several accomplished rip-off artists) to ride bitch seat on the Uncle Jesse bandwagon, and create websites of their own, similar to WWUJD.com. Needless to say, this time it's personal. Let's not waste any time (like their parents did having sex) and get straight to the results of Uncle Jesse's latest night at the fights...

Match 1

Check out the totally awesome Zack Morris ripoff site here

First, Uncle Jesse made Zack Morris sign a waiver. Not so that he wouldn't sue Uncle Jesse should he get hurt, but to make it clear that, no matter what happened during the fight, France still sucks. The bell sounded, and Zack Morris lunged toward UJ, much to the delight of all the girls in tight, floral-print jean shorts. Morris had vengeance in his eyes, as he witnessed not long ago what Uncle Jesse did to his former bum chum, A.C. Slater. Uncle Jesse stuck his hand out, and held Zack at bay while Zack continued to swing at UJ. Then the 'larm gave out a warning, Uncle Jesse grabbed his books, and he gave himself a look, then threw Zack Morris to the corner as the bus flew by. The bus crushed Zack Morris, and several other hookers who happened to be on that very corner (including Sarah Jessica Parker and that girl from your French class...the one with the knees). Zack Morris started crying, and Uncle Jesse cooked a pot roast. Oh, wait, no he didn't. He made seven pirates cook it for him. Zack hobbled back into the ring, but got caught on the way by Mr. Belding, who wanted to know HEY, HEY, HEY, what was going on there? Apparently, Zack Morris had cut class! On Cut Day! During a Styrofoam protest! While Slater was playing bumper pool!*  Zack tried to call a "Time Out," but Uncle Jesse countered by calling a "Kick to the Nuts." Belding grabbed Zack by the ear, and Uncle Jesse grabbed Zack by the upper dorsimus. They both launched Zack high into the rafters (despite the weight of his cell phone, floppy-tounged Converses, and jeans that were tucked into them), where he exploded into a million Buddy Bands. Pubeless Buddy Bands, mind you. Uncle Jesse and Belding shared a handshake, and a quiche. Then they went to Rod Belding's house (Mr. Belding's brother with the cool "I'm a substitute teacher but I don't care about rules, I'd rather go white water rafting" hair) and pooped on him. All over. Even in his white water raft. Chalk one up for the Greek. 

Winner: Uncle Jesse

*Please note that WWUJD.com does not, in any way, advocate the playing of bumper pool. Bumper pool should only be played by guys whose weiners smell like other guys.  

Match 2

Check out the totally awesome Vin Diesel ripoff site here

To prepare for this match, Uncle Jesse rented "The Pacifier." This got Uncle Jesse good and fired up, because, not only did the movie suck, but the clerk at Blockbuster only gave Uncle Jesse 45 free Chinchillas instead of 46. What an ass. Diesel entered the ring, and found an excuse to take his shirt off. Then, he tried to act. This was hard for Vin. Uncle Jesse tried to offer some acting tips like "don't suck," and "you look like a thumb," but Vin Diesel was to busy snowboarding and drinking SoBe to listen. Pissed off, Uncle Jesse whittled a rocking horse out of driftwood and shot Vin Diesel with it. Vin's giant skull deflected the horse bullet, and then he went back to being extreme. Then, Uncle Jesse put in the Konami code and got 30 lives! Uncle Jesse beat Drill Man, and then summoned the power of his hair to execute the devastating J.K.O. Vin Diesel's head fell off, and someone in the crowd thought it was an olive. Vin Diesel's body was still moving, though, so Uncle Jesse snuck up behind it and shoved a copy of "Knockaround Guys" in it's butt crease. The Headless Vin Diesel toppled over, and Uncle Jesse stealthily put 23 fanny packs on it. Then UJ took the body to airport security, and made it miss it's flight back to Pigeon Forge, TN. Vin Diesel's olive head was still in the arena, so Uncle Jesse commandeered a Segway and drove it to Waffle House, where he ordered 37 waffles. Instead of paying with money, Uncle Jesse sold the Waffle House waitresses the Vin Diesel head, which they jammed a handle into and used as a plunger in the bathroom. Uncle Jesse put on the Waffle House song, and drove the Segway back to MSG, stopping at every Dairy Queen on the way for a tasty Parfait. He arrived to the cheers of the Jess-Heads, the victor. 

Winner: Uncle Jesse

Match 3

Matthew McCougheneghayegayehay doesn't have a ripoff site. But, you can view his official website by clicking here. 

Oh boy. Matthew McCoughenaneygegegegey is sooooo dreamy! Like, OMG!!1!!!! The way he talks real slow, almost like he was deprived oxygen at birth, is so LOL!!!!1!!!! MY GURLIES!!! Uncle Jesse was nay amused by McCouganehenegehey's crappy list of romantic comedies, or his totally cool Texas Longhorns hat and almost shaggy, but not quite too shaggy, frat guy hair...so Uncle Jesse punched McCoughanehnye in the external occipital protuberance. That was enough reason for McCouehgnecoughcockballeater to take his shirt off and work out, which he did. Then he cheered for Texas, and talked like he was high some more. Little did he know that Uncle Jesse was, in fact, setting up for his signature "Gorilla Jess" slam. Before he could say "Two For The Money," McCocurhehnenryehrye$36!89ahey was lifted into the air, and dropped right on his rugged, yet not too rugged looking, stubble. Then, Uncle Jesse pooped on MySpace, and covered McCouaghanneneeneahageye&%^$7 for the win. After the match, lots of girls went home and put up away messages that said "I LIKE MY MONEY WHERE I CAN SEE IT...HANGING IN MY CLOSET!!!1!!! LOL GURLIES!!!!!1!" Uncle Jesse put up an away message that said "I'll do you, then leave." And so it was. 

Winner: Uncle Jesse

Match 4

Check out the totally awesome Jack Bauer ripoff site here

(NOTE: This match was fought under special "Iron Man" rules. That means that each combatant was given a free subscription to HBO. Each contestant except for Jack Bauer, that is)

Hour 1: Uncle Jesse watched some SportsCenter while Jack Bauer cooked him breakfast.

Hour 2: Jack Bauer cried. And cried. And cried. 

Hour 3: Uncle Jesse went to France, bought Jack Bauer a beret, came back, and made him wear it.

Hour 4: Jack Bauer begged for the fight to be over, but Uncle Jesse said no. Jack Bauer got all hot at Uncle Jesse's "take charge" attitude. And his tight black jeans.

Hours 5-16: Jack Bauer crapped his pants continually for 11 hours. He didn't stop once. The whole time, Uncle Jesse was busy egging Jack Bauer's parents' house. Then, when the caught him, he told them he was Jack Bauer. They were so elated, until Uncle Jesse yelled "PSYCHE!!" and stole their rosebush. 

Hour 17: Jack Bauer is forced to write a list of 100 things he loves about men. Ok, actually he wasn't forced. He did it voluntarily. 

Hour 18: Uncle Jesse counts all of his VHS tapes. He has 87. Jack Bauer counts his VHS tapes. He used to have 87. Now he has 0. 

Hour 19: Jack Bauer's parents file for divorce...from him!

Hour 20: Uncle Jesse wins the Olympics. Again. 

Hour 21: Uncle Jesse punches Jack Bauer when he isn't looking. That is, Uncle Jesse punched Jack Bauer when Uncle Jesse wasn't looking. He has a knack for anticipating the presence of uphill gardeners, even when he can't see them. Also, he has Spy Tech accessories. 

Hour 22: Uncle Jesse goes to Space Camp. Jack Bauer tries to go, but NASA has a policy against jagoffs. Subsequently, Zack Morris, Vin Diesel, Matthew McCcCcCcCcCCougenheeney, and Chuck Norris are all denied admission as well. 

Hour 23: Jack Bauer pleads with the referee to stop the fight, but the referee thinks he's a lost little girl. Child services is called. 

Hour 24: Child Services arrives, just as Uncle Jesse is playing with the parachute from gym class. He didn't need 30 other kids to help lift it up so he could run underneath it. He did it all by himself. Before Child Services took Jack Bauer away, Uncle Jesse covered him for the 1-2-3. Then Uncle Jesse bought some High Karate cologne, and Mr. Sketch markers.  

Winner: Uncle Jesse

Match 5

CHUCK NORRIS

Check out the totally awesome Chuck Norris ripoff site here

This was the fight that the world had been waiting for. Ever since Chuck Norris decided he'd pretend to take his "ironically funny because he's so obscure" celebrity status and start ripping off WWUJD.com with it, Uncle Jesse has been pissed. Actually, no he hasn't. He's been making Shrinky Dinks. But we know that you, the loyal Jess-Heads of America (and North Carolina), are appalled at Chuck Norris's lack of respect and originality in dealing with his insecurities about not being Uncle Jesse. Without any further ado...

While Uncle Jesse arrived at MSG on his Harley, Chuck Norris arrived at the arena in his PT Cruiser (with wood paneling).

He tried to get past security with a few roundhouse kicks, but security (which was mostly blind people and little girls) easily destroyed him. Norris returned to the Cruiser to regroup, change his diapers, and use his Ab Lounge. He dried his tears, and tried to get into the arena again. Security wasn't hip to his jive games, so Norris had to buy a ticket. He didn't have any money, so he sold some copies of "Sidekicks" to a library. They didn't really want them, but they felt sorry for Chuck Norris. Chuck finally got into the arena, and was ready for the fight. When Chuck made his way down the aisle, he tried to win over the crowd by spouting off some "Facts about Chuck Norris," Like "The cheif export of Chuck Norris is pain." And, "When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the earth down." The crowd wasn't amused, as they were too busy doing something original. When Chuck Norris entered the ring, he tripped on the ropes and peed himself. The crowd was ready for Uncle Jesse to make his appearance. Uncle Jesse was actually in Vancouver, WA registering some domain names, though. So, the crowd had to wait. They thanked Uncle Jesse for teaching them the value of patience. When Uncle Jesse finally entered the ring, the bell sounded. Chuck Norris, fresh off his Ab Doer workout, looked ready. He'd spent hours shaving his own pubes and gluing them to his face, so it'd look like he had a beard. "Under Chuck Norris' beard," he said, "there is no chin. Only another fist." Uncle Jesse, a noted advocate of the Scientific Method, opted to test that hypothesis. He ripped off Chuck Norris' beard to reveal...

a collection of loofahs and body washes! There was no fist, just lots and lots of pastel. Chuck Norris tried to export some pain to Uncle Jesse, but Uncle Jesse stopped him and changed the chief export of Chuck Norris to friendship bracelets, and gay. Then, Uncle Jesse did a pushup. Not only did he push the earth down, but he left his handprint in every pile of wet cement on the planet. Chuck Norris insisted that, true to his ripoff site, he's so scary that the Boogeyman check's his closet every night to see if Chuck Norris is in there. Uncle Jesse, who is close, personal friends with the Boogeyman, called him up...

Boogeyman: Hi!

UJ: Do you check your closet every night to see if Chuck Norris is hiding in there?

Boogeyman: Well, I know he's in there. But he refuses to come out of the closet. 

UJ: Cool. Later, Keith.

Chuck Norris started to cry. Then he asked if he could wash men. When Uncle Jesse said no, Chuck Norris said "Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits." Then, Chuck Norris fell asleep. Uncle Jesse asked Chuck Norris if he was waiting, to which Chuck Norris replied with a nocturnal emission. Uncle Jesse rubbed Chuck Norris's face in it to teach him a lesson. Chuck Norris claimed "Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice." Uncle Jesse replied by telling Chuck Norris that, while he was counting to infinity...twice...Uncle Jesse was doing his wife...twice. Chuck Norris didn't know that. Hope seemed all but lost for Chuck Norris, who had been exposed as a mere fraud. Chuck Norris got on his knees, and pleaded with Uncle Jesse for mercy. In a shocking turn of events, Uncle Jesse said "ok." Uncle Jesse revealed that, in all honesty, he had no idea who Chuck Norris was in the first place. Uncle Jesse just thought Chuck Norris was some crazed fan. Chuck Norris admitted that he was, in fact, a crazed fan of Uncle Jesse, and that the creation of his website was a mere attempt to woo UJ into being his friend. Chuck Norris reached into his purse and pulled out a copy of "Top Dog" to give to Uncle Jesse as a peace offering. Big mistake. Uncle Jesse saw that movie, in the theaters, and remembered how stupid it was. He decided that mercy was not in Chuck Norris's future. Instead, Uncle Jesse picked up Chuck Norris (who had already crapped his pants, and thrown up twice), and threw him all the way to Texas. Chuck Norris landed, and tried to convince all the Texans that he was a Texas Ranger. When none of them bought his story, he tried to run away (flailing his arms), but was caught by some bears. Chuck Norris tried to fight the bears using his arsenal of roundhouse kicks, and punches, and prancing, but the bears just laughed at him. Apparently, Chuck Norris's fly had been down the whole time! As Uncle Jesse stood victorious in the center of Madison Square Garden, Chuck Norris retreated to the backwoods of Detroit where he had to live with the knowledge that, not only was he nothing more than a phony, the entire crowd at MSG and the entire Pay Per View audience watching world wide watched him fight with his fly down. And they all saw his vagina. 

Winner, and STILL CHAMPION: Uncle Jesse

Got someone you want Uncle Jesse to stuff in a hat and smoke? E-mail your suggestions to fights@wwujd.com! Be sure to include the words "FIGHTS" and "I WORK AT A STATIONERY STORE" in the subject line. Then, punch yourself in the tibia!