At WWUJD.COM, we get thousands of letters each month from you, the loyal Jess-Heads of America (and the rest of the galaxy). We tried desperately to get Uncle Jesse himself to read and respond to the letters, but he would repeatedly make us cook him waffles. So, we bribed him with a case of PBR and a new coat of turle wax on his Harley. He just made us cook him more waffles (this time with Skittles in them). It's been a long, rough journey, Jess-Heads, but we're proud to announce that we've completed negotiations with Uncle Jesse, and he has agreed to respond to your letters!
Let's see what you, the loyal Jess-Heads of America (and the rest of the Galaxy) had to say. Then, let's laugh as Uncle Jesse responds (shown in italics), and makes you eat a clown.
(Please note: These letters have been published in their original forms)
I Don't Carrot All!
"I would like to see Carrot Top in a fight with UJ, because he is a tool and not very funny at all. In fact, i don't think even he knows why he is famous, because he is obviously not as cool as UJ, and obviously didn't invent Tetris. On top of that, his hair is gay. He even spends his free time in front of a miror pretending to be a ninja, unlike people who actually go out and be ninjas. Uncle Jesse needs to open a can of hair gel on his ass.
Tim
Via e-mail
Well, Susie, it seems like your parents don't love you at all. I mean, they didn't even teach you martial arts. Maybe you should learn how to play frisbee, and then make me a Lite-Brite.
Brim Reaper
Uncle Jesse needs to fight Wlatter Brimley... The guy who does those Liberty Medical diabetes commercials. This would be the mother load of all battles... Especially with Walters all mighty "Quaker Oats ShaQer" move. I hope you guys like the idea.
Bobby
Via e-mail
I knew a kid named Bobby once. He's dead now.
You Are Awesome
You Are Awesome
Jim
Via e-mail
I can make beef jerky out of kittens!
Eat Your Pleas
First of all, I just want to say I'm a huge fan of you and your work, as well as the site. I particularly liked the "Uncle Jesse VS..." segment. I was wondering if you could put Uncle Jesse up against this kid, Phil T., so I can truely understand the extent to which Uncle Jesse would fuck this guy's shit up.
Thanls so much!
lexie
a.k.a. uncle jesse's love slave
a.k.a. uncle jesse's sex on the side
(p.s. but really, im a hedrosexual man. Uncle Jesse is pretty much just a fox)
You're a heterosexual homo. Go make friendship bracelets.
Makin A List...
Vlagwra - $3.3
Lesvitra - $3.3
Cialids - $3.7
Imoitrex - $16.4
Flgomax - $2.2
Ulbtram - $0.78
Viuoxx - $4.75
Amlbien - $2.2
Vawlium - $0.97
Xaanax - $1.09
Szoma - $3
Mweridia - $2.2
Online Pharmaceuticals
Via e-mail
Uh, I'll take a number three with extra Judge Dredd.
Holy Cow, this chick is old!
I have been one of your big fans for a long time and I love your acting. I am 47 years old. So maybe we can talk sometime and maybe meet in person. I also want to tell you I like your tv series Full House and you are the funniest person on the show. So I just hope you write back and tell me what you think.
Terri
New York, NY
I saw a warthog at the zoo once. I beat it at NBA Jam...Tournament Edition.
Problem
Solved
What would Uncle Jesse do if he had a psycho boyfriend/girlfriend that techinaclly wasnt really his boyfriend/girlfriend that he needed to get rid of??
mucho love for the cause.
Emily, Mary, Bianca
Via e-mail
Whenever Becky pisses me off, I throw cans of chili at her. Try that. If that doesn't work, try throwing lawn darts.
Peace of Ass
I want Ghandi to get the dehydrated piss kicked outta him. Everyone says hes so great. Well I heard he challenged Uncle Jesses authority. He said Peace is the only way or somethin, well saying that gets you thrown off the roof of a library. Plus I just hate Carlos Mencias new show. So kill him to. Liberals are always testing Republicans and that means there testing Uncle Jesses republicanism. And Math is ust a pain in the ass
Kevin
Via e-mail
It's true. I actually met Ghandi once at Taco Bell. I shot him a nasty look, and his pants fell off. That's why he only wears those dresses now.
White or Wrong?
Hi Uncle Jesse it is the little white boy from Greensboro and his brother named cameron.
James
Greensboro, NC
I'm mailing you a can of PBR. Before you drink it, though, stab yourself in the face-parts.
Infidel Castro
tell me: what would uncle jesse do if his hot wife was worried about possible infidelity (because as the world already knows, uncle jesse could have any woman in the world if he so pleased to leave his anchorwoman wife) and snooped through his personal possessions?
Samantha
Via e-mail
Well, Samantha. If I caught Becky going through my fanny pack the first thing I'd do is go eat some beef jerky. Then, I'd go teach a chemistry class. Then, I'd raise the price of nickels. Then, I might buy a new color printer. Then, I'd tell my kids I hate them. Then, I'd go to sleep and make Becky build me a new Harley out of Legos.
Got something you want Uncle Jesse to read? E-mail him at fanmail@wwujd.com, and check back here to see if your letter made it in! Be sure to include the words "FAN MAIL" and "ROBOT FARTS" in the subject line.
