"Everyone who is not Uncle Jesse sleeps Butt-to-Face"

by:

Van Dexter

When I came upon this website, asking for requests to submit essays telling how Uncle Jesse has affected people's lives...I threw up twice and shit my underpants because it was such a sweet idea. Most people don't bother to recognize "Uncle Jesse" anymore. He's simply a good "conversation piece" at any one of your local frat or sorority parties. But few people actually take the privilege of being able to view his sweet masculine bodice seriously. I, however, am not one of those people. Ever since I was mere a fetus in the birth canal of my mother, my love for Uncle Jesse has provided me with a chronic boner and amplified levels of hair follicles. As a baby, my diapers were constantly filled with mass amounts of soupy crap...because my bowels were unable to hold it whenever I would think of Uncle Jesse. As I grew older, I learned how to control my bowels, but could never quench my thirst for the sweetness that Uncle Jesse provided. Day in, and day out, I would watch and re-watch the episode of "Full House" in which Uncle Jesse battles the ostrich in Kimmy Gibbler's backyard. That pesky bird kept giving Uncle Jesse shit, but Uncle Jesse played it cool and eventually hung both the bird and Kimmy Gibbler from the roof of the cathedral by their earlobes with hair gel (I had the special "uncut" version of the episode...not the lame one they showed on tv). That episode single-handedly made me grow pubes. Uncle Jesse's sweetness was not merely limited to his role on "Full House." Without Uncle Jesse, we would not have many of the great inventions and ideas we have today. These include : Tetris, peanut butter and the Declaration of Independence. The blanket of sweetness that Uncle Jesse has so graciously bestowed upon the world could be elaborated on and discussed forever. The purpose of this essay is to describe one specific instance in my life that was indirectly affected by Uncle Jesse, and his legacy of sweetness. I was 16 years old, with a comb in my pocket and a skip in my step. I had just gotten finished watching the above mentioned "Ostrich-Beating" episode, when I decided to go out for falafels. I hopped on my Big-Wheel and rode like the wind down to "Sherman's Falafel Barn." When I got there, I smelled something fishy. I looked inside to see three guys wearing tight black jeans, white shoes, white V-Neck t-shirts and cross necklaces. They were all peering down at the owner (Sherman), so I couldn't get a good look at their faces...but then they turned around. As they turned, each one tossed his hair back in near identical Uncle Jesse fashion to reveal three Uncle Jesse masks! I wasn't sure what was going on at first, but then I realized that these men were robbing "Sherman's Falafel Barn" disguised as Uncle Jesse!! I had to do something, I couldn't let Uncle Jesse's name become tarnished in the wake of this crime. Thinking quickly, I rushed through the door and threw Hadokens at all three of the robbers. Taken by surprise, they all had bowel movements in their pants. As they ran out the door like sissies, I was able to stab one of them in the leg with a spork. He was on the ground, and I applied the "Million Dollar Dream" sleeper hold until he apologized. Then, I made them all take off their Uncle Jesse disguises and run into oncoming traffic. Sadly, a short bus was driving towards them and killed them all. The police ruled it involuntary vehicular manslaughter, with me as the accessory. So, here I sit...at my desk in prison, serving three to five for being an accessory to involuntary vehicular manslaughter...a victim of my obsession with, and appreciation for the man who has touched the lives of so many...UNCLE JESSE.

Here's what the judges had to say...

And there you have it!! Thanks again to all the contestants who submitted essays. The GRAND PRIZE WINNER, Van Dexter, will win a day with Uncle Jesse. We here at WWUJD.com will be riding alongside Uncle Jesse and our lucky winner to make sure that we don't miss one minute of this landmark day. Keep checking back for photos, and an in-depth feature story on "The day I spent with Uncle Jesse."

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