"Full House, Full Throttle"

by:

Michael Carrington

Uncle Jesse is quite possibly the most important being ever to exist. How has Uncle Jesse affected the way I lead my life? Let me count the ways. Musically, he and his band have been a soundtrack to my days and
are way cooler than any of the acts around today. He could totally kick Avril Lavigne and 5-time Grammy-winner Norah Jones' asses. The only person who could rival his talent was Elvis, and Elvis is retired (read:
not dead). Uncle Jesse lived the life of rock n' roll excess on the edge while in Japan, when he ordered different kinds of peanuts. It was like: whoa man, get a hold of yourself. The Far East episode would
make for a great "Behind the Music", like the Motley Crue one when Vince Neil killed a bunch of people, Nikki Six overdosed and Tommy Lee made a best-selling sex tape. It would be really sweet if at the end of
Uncle Jesse's "Behind the Music" he kicked the shit out of Motley Crue because, next to Uncle Jesse, they are a bunch of losers. Actually, they are a bunch of losers next to anybody. But they look even
worse next to Uncle Jesse. I bet Uncle Jesse is hung even better than Tommy Lee because Tommy may have had an international sex symbol wife, but she was kinda plasticy. Plus, Tommy didn't have a hot wife on the show and in real life like Uncle Jesse. This leads me to the next way
Uncle Jesse has influenced my life; by teaching me the ways of enticing foxy ladies. It would be really lame to try to copy Uncle Jesse because people would just say "You're lame. You're just trying to copy
Uncle Jesse." The way Uncle Jesse has influenced me lies in attitude adjustment. It's all about attitude. Like Uncle Jesse on his motorcycle, I run over everything in my path. Then sometimes I back up over stuff
and run it over again. If you do the math, that's like running over things three times! Now, I will never say my hair is as sweet as Uncle Jesse's, for risk of blasphemy and the fact that that would be an
inexcusable lie. But my hair is pretty good. And it's that fact that made me realize "hey, the only thing in this crazy world that matters is good hair." I project my NeoFonzie image of cool, play my guitar and
nothing else matters. And I have to fight all the women off with a stick. My stick. The difference Uncle Jesse has made in my life is liberation. The old me was kind of a tool, keeping everything inside and never
trying to make the world a better place. All that has changed. Now, if someone doesn't like Judge Dredd, if somebody defends Danny Tanner or if anyone (even an entire urban gang) is listening to 50-Cent, they can
step right up to the deli counter, grab one of those queer little tickets and prepare to get an ass-kicking. That's the Uncle Jesse way. The way it should be. Uncle Jesse rocks!
 

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